#changemaking

This message is for all my dark babies out there. 

The wierd ones who never fit in, the ones who fought silent and invisible (or visible) battles and wear the scars to prove it. 

The black sheep. The anti-heros. The ones who grew up believing they were wrong or bad but wanted so badly to be loved (even wrongly). The ones who grew up thinking they weren't good enough to begin with, tried and failed to fit in, and then resented everybody who gatekept belonging (while also resenting themselves). The ones who, because of all of the above, were maybe on track to becoming monsters or supervillains but instead chose differently. 

If, ever since you were born, you've felt out of place... yet at the same time, like you're here for a reason (a big one), you might be living the Anti-Hero Paradox.

And if this is you, welcome. You're here to change the world. 

You are no stranger to suffering. In fact, if you could describe your life in one word, it would be this: 

Traumatic (aka, fucked).

When you sit and think about all that you've been through, witnessed, and even done, you are loathe to come up with anything good about your past. However, in spite of your past, you've managed to accomplish a lot; sure you had even greater potential, and you certainly feel like a massive failure for not having acheived the BIG dream you've always nurtured, but all things considered, you've done okay. You feel like a fraud though, and like you don't deserve any of it. You're a bad person, right? So it's not like you deserve anything good to happen to you, and certainly, anything good that ever happens is short-lived. It's usually one disappointment after another, and anything you really try for doesn't work out anyways, but that's because you're a bad person and not good enough anyway. Right? Right?!

WRRRRRONG.

Take a breath. 

Let's get something clear about WHO THE FUCK YOU ARE. 

You, my friend, are not the villain. You are also NOT the hero. These two things represent black-and-white duality, and polarize the meaning and spirit of the complex journey you're on. 

Your darkness (your unique experiences) would have turned the villain into the monster or made a martyr of and/or destroyed the hero. 

What it's done to you, however, is NEITHER. It did not poison or destroy you, rather, it forged you. Created rendered steel from clay. Gold from lead. You just haven't had anybody show you what a magical badass of personal alchemy you are. 

You, my dark baby, were given the gift of transmutation, the ability to survive and thrive in chaos, to be untouched by it, and in so doing, become the eye of the storm. Your power is your ability to rise above circumstances, no matter how bleak, carry on, and accomplish. To conquer. 

You are a warrior, of light and dark. Through you comes the true energy of balance which plays out between the two sides of yourself - the light and dark - and made manifest in your actions, which are here to create impact and change the world. Your internal struggles are immense, but because you fight them on the internal battlefield, the external world only sees the outcome of each battle. And here's the thing; you know that sometimes the dark must win, because its what's needed by the light.

The Anti-Hero knows without knowing, that light and dark are not enemies. They are lovers. Lovers that challenges each other to greater depths of self-discovery and greater heights of self-actualization. 

Delusional. Self-aggrandizing. Egotistical. Vain. 

These are all words that come to mind when you think about that thing inside you that's always been there. That thing which you would never tell a soul about for fear of judgement. The thing which has caused you to hop from thing to thing throughout your life, wondering if this would be the thing that brings you the real thing you've always wanted (fame). 

Except here's the thing. The Anti-Hero doesn't actually want fame. They want impact (without knowing that's what they want). And impact does not equal fame. While someone with a lot of impact can certainly be famous, and famous people can certainly create a lot of impact...they are not the same thing. However, it's easy to understand why the two are confused when we live in a world where the two are confused ALL.THE.TIME.  

Impact is really the ability to be known by those whom you were sent here to serve. And in that service, drive change. 

You see, people who have been given a lot of trauma and who, at the same time, have always intrinsically known they were put here for a big mission were...

Your desire for IMPACT is a sign that you are here to create it. One theory is that the universe is a feedback loop, and so by this token, if you weren't needed, you wouldn't be here. You're here, so that means you're needed.

You are good at everything you do, the first time you do it. 

But the second or third time, not so much. You never make it to the fourth try because you hate failure and rejection, two things that are in abundance when you're learning or starting anything. Your limiting beliefs kick in at the first sign of resistance (aka, sucking a little), and because it feels better to believe your limiting beliefs than tell them to fuck off and keep going, you never give yourself a chance to GET better at the thing. 

So you consider yourself a Renaissance Man/Woman/Person, stick that feather in your cap, and just accept that anything you try to do ultimately ends in failure anyways, but it's okay, because at least you've got a bunch of interests (which must mean you're at least more interesting than most, right?). You stick your nose in a bunch of different places and consider yourself to be a scholar, except you also never really figured out what you wanted to be when you grow up, so you have the minimum knowledge required to know something interesting about a lot of different things, but that knowledge rarely goes beyond surface level. Fortunately, you're usually the smartest person in the room so nobody usually calls you out on your bullshit, and because it would be too uncomfortable to change rooms, you don't bother. That fear of rejection and being seen (ironic for someone who's always craved impact) runs deep. 

So...where's the good in all of this, you might be wondering. How in the world does this mean you're here to change the world if it's also painting such a bleak picture? 

Here's the thing. 

YOU ARE MEANT TO EXPLORE AVENUES OF IMPACT CREATION. You are not meant to pick more than one, however, and the one you ultimately pick will be determined by HOW WELL YOU KNOW YOURSELF.

The fact that you are good at everything at first try is a built-in mechanism to keep you going and trying (humans need quick wins to motivate at first...it's just a fact) until you figure out that it's not a fit (for you). You are good at everything you try because you are meant to try everything to see what works best for you in context of your unique gifts. 

What ends up happening however, is that the limiting beliefs we've gotten stuck on with the core struggle/shadow theme get in the way - no matter what avenue you explore. Because you've gotten stuck, and don't KNOW THYSELF to the degree required to fully embrace the right pathway for you, you're going to see every obstacle as confirmation of something that just isn't true (though this in itself is a powerful lesson). 

The good news is that the minute you truly SEE and KNOW yourself, is the moment the path becomes clear. 

Big news, freak. 

You were never supposed to belong.

Your mission here is different. Your alienation is paradoxically what is going to bring others together. As the saying goes, you were never meant to fit in with the world, because you were sent here to make a new one. Literally. Because when we change the world (which is what we do when we change our inner world) you are midwifing the birth of a brand-new one. 

This was always part of your learning curve. The moment you embrace your alien self, all the shit you've struggled against... your need to belong despite not actually wanting to but then always wanting and needing to be seen (which is your impact-driven mission speaking)... kind of just dies away. Knowing and accepting yourself is a requirement of the mission. A pre-requisite, if you will, before you're given the green-light to proceed and actually get the responsibility of creating real impact.

It might take you a lifetime, or maybe you're realizing this a lot earlier. It doesn't actually matter when...what matters is IF. IF you accept. IF you choose differently. IF you go all-in on self-love and the exploration of your most AUTHENTIC self. 

This shit takes courage, my friend. Being different is what's going to actually bring your people to you. Only by accepting your non-belongingness do you get the privilege of belonging, so to speak.

The good news is, once you figure this part out... where you come to truly know yourself... you are going to fall so deeply in love with your past, your experiences, your life, your mission, that it will bring you to tears. Oh and realizing that the people you're here to serve are dark babies just like you? You get to become a caretaker and giver, a guide, while at the same time, bringing yourself to even greater depths of self-discovery and greater heights of self-actualization. This process is never-ending and always giving. This process is the result of personal alchemy. 

Remember, you are the Anti-Hero. The "love and light" crowd never felt real. Or believable. That's because ultimately, while love and light is awesome, you KNOW that because of the fractal holographic universe we live in and the fact that we all come from the same Source, that light AND darkness also come from the same place (which is love, btw). That means that yes, the darkness is just as much of love as light, but of course, "love and darkness" isn't in the spiritual vernacular (yet). 

It is so easy to feel like you're bad or wrong when you're carrying un-reframed trauma that has shaped you and your decisions in a way that goes against the grain of society. We do live in a world that doesn't value the darkness, and in fact, actively avoids and demonizes it instead of seeing it as the tool for growth and teaching that it is. What that does is cause the darkness to go underground and become exactly what people believe it to be...evil (such is the power of human beliefs). 

The fact that you're worried about being a bad person means that you are not. You are infinitely more complex, layered, and meaningful than the label of 'good' or 'bad,' and with time and self-discovery, you will come to understand (if you don't already) the value of light and dark, together...especially as they contribute to the eternally, beautifully dark and light masterpiece that you are. 

So keep loving yourself, keep diving into self-discovery, keep showing up for you. Keep doing everything you can to learn about how you're here to serve and who, because that will teach you about YOU, too. Where you've been hurt, soon those cracks will fill with more love than you ever thought possible as you begin to see others and the world in a completely new and reframed light (just as you will come to see your own past through a completely different lens). 

Be the funny, smart, clever, dark little goofball that you are, and do it unapologetically. Nobody else can or gets to be you, and it just so happens that the world NEEDS you (otherwise, you wouldn't be here). 

Because soon the time will come where it will be YOUR time to step into the light and embody the mission you were put here to fulfill, and when that day comes...

...somebody's heart will need your medicine.